This weeks Man Up Award goes to Al for asking his woman to tie him up so that he could explore the angst he has carried for over 50 years from a childhood experience. In trusting his loving and beautiful wife he got to explore, experience and heal the stories he has made up about an experience where he felt powerless.
This weeks Man Up Award goes to David for hanging out for two months without the use of substances that traditionally he has hidden behind. I love the learning that you are getting as a man about your strength and character
My niece called me the other day distraught that her boyfriend of seven months just broke up with her. The worst part for her was that he did it via text. Well it is one way of communicating, I suppose. How would you feel it that happened to you?
Texting is seen as a quick and convenient way to communicate. Everybody’s doing it, well except for me that is! I mean I have a laptop and a desktop computer, an iPhone, (lets call that a hand held computer) three email addresses, three business phone lines, and a home line. There are lots of ways to get a hold of me. Do I really need another way to communicate?
It fascinates me to see how deftly people use this miniscule keypad. I watch how swiftly those thumbs move the written word into bite size chunks of information on these mobile devices. PING the words are sent, PING a response is received. However if the return text takes longer than a few minutes I have seen anxiety and panic set in! Have we become so accustomed to sending and receiving rapid snippets of information that we mistakenly believe that through texts we are actually communicating effectively with each other?
Recently I worked with a couple who claimed they were having difficulties in communicating. He was so frustrated, he was ready to ‘call it quits’ on the relationship. The man being self-employed, only eats what he kills so his focus on the job is crucial, especially since he is building his business to enable his woman to stay home with the children they want to have together.
They said they fight all the time. About what I inquired? As it turns out he is bothered by the many and frequent texts that she sends throughout the day, sometimes as many as forty in an eight hour period. If he doesn’t respond right away she takes it personally, gets pissed off and texts him again just to let him know. For his fiancée, it’s her way of staying connected throughout the day. For him it is a huge distraction from focusing on building his business and clearly creates a disconnection.
When they get home at the end of the day they have nothing left to talk about. They fight because as it turns out it has all been said, sort of. What hadn’t been spoken about was his need to place a boundary (and stick to it) on the process of texting and to find a more effective manner of getting and staying connected throughout the day.
My prescription was to ask them to experiment for a week, and forgo texting each other completely. They were to call each other once a day and take time and actually have the intention to connect. As it turned out, because she worked in an open office environment, calls weren’t private. Since no one could hear her texting she saw this as an appropriate way to communicate. By conducting this experiment they were able to get the underlying issues and actually address them.
Is the problem ‘texting’, No not really. The problem is the lack of boundaries that each of them are responsible to communicate and uphold, along with clarifying what quality of connection they truly want and need.
What boundary do you need to set that will restore life to your relationship?
This weeks Man Up awards are given to David for having the courage to experience being “Clean and Sober” for a month of his voluntary commitment. One month under his belt a and eleven to go and David is learning what Stick to it means and the strength that comes from being his word. Next comes John for knowing when to bite (From now on it is only when he is asked) In the usual conflict with his wife he chose to take the high road and not get sucked in the usual drama that derails his relationship.
The Man Up award goes to Robyn for staying in the shit storm and doing the hard thing, which is always the right thing!
Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table at which he’s fed.
Tax his work, Tax his pay, He works for peanuts
Anyway!
Tax his cow, Tax his goat ,Tax his pants, Tax his coat.
Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him if he Tries to think.
Tax his car, Tax his gas, Find other ways To tax his ass.
Tax all he has Then let him know That you won’t be done Till he has no dough.
→ Read the full story
This week The Man Up Awards go to Felix for setting limits and boundaries in his relationship, hard as there are to implement at times. Also to Tyler for telling the truth to a friend instead for his past behaviour which was to ‘go along’ to ‘keep the peace’ in his friendships. Boundaries are ours to set, ours to maintain and ours to defend. What boundaries do you need to set in your life? Where could you Man Up today?
Blessings
Owen
The Man Up award goes to Labe, for keeping his anxiety under control by focusing his thoughts on what he wanted and taking action.
Great job Labe! Taking even the smallest of action lowers the paralyzing feelings anxiety causes that we feel in the body.
The Man Up award goes to Rob for stepping through the fear of letting go, and taking action and creating the life he’s dreamed for himself since he was a little boy!
The Man in Rob is now in charge!
I am thankful to John, one of our clients for bringing to our attention a tool to assist parents in teaching children about money in a responsible and healthy way. Parents, Uncles, Aunts and Grandparents, check this out! http://kidswealth.com/
Blessings
Owen
One of my favourite poems…
The Blessing
(For Tom Fitzpatrick)
Somewhere this side of manhood,
I missed a moment,
a tiny, small moment,
but one that would have assuaged
much of the son ache,
the aloof pain, the forty years
of father-hunger carved in my heart.
Here’s what it would look like
had it happened:
My father holding me in his Indian-brown arms,
looking me in the eye, father eye to son eye,
and moving his lips to words
he had never heard from his father
but had, miraculously, found somewhere –
under a magic rock or in a river,
maybe on the lips of a dream father
or from a group of warrior brothers,
holding me in his Indian-brown arms
and saying:
Son, you have all you need
to be a strong, loving man.
Son, you have all you need
to be a strong, loving man.
Son, you have all you need
to be a strong, loving man.
Not three times, really, this Father-to-Son,
but once with the profundity of three,
of three trillion, as every cell in my body
blooms with your words
and I feel the first solid stirrings of manhood –
not just in my crotch
but in the catch of my heart,
in the tips of my fingers over skin,
in the tips of my toes over earth,
until my arms, my thin pale arms,
are Indian-brown like yours and strong enough
to hold my own son and say these words:
Son, you have all you need
to be a strong, loving man.
Son, you have all you need
to be a strong, loving man.
Son, you have all you need
to be a strong, loving Man.
Circle complete,
all of us complete,
blessings begun.
From: The Song of Father-Son: Men in Search of The Blessing, Peter H. Putnam
The Man Up Award goes to Jonathan for having the balls to clean up a past relationship with a guy he had let down in the past. Go Jonathan Go !
…. it’s what you don’t say. Interesting that today more than ever we have the capacity to communicate at a rate of speed unheard of throughout history. The modes for communication seem endless so you would think that we would actually say more to those who are important to us. Apparently not. It occurs to me that we are actually saying less than we have ever said and are quickly losing the art of real communication. Imagine my surprise then to come across a website www.lettersillneversend.com dedicated to supporting people in saying what they need to say, just not to the intended person. And this helps how? Well yes, perhaps you get it off your chest and momentarily you feel better. OMG, How good could you feel by telling the truth (lovingly) and getting to the point in your communication? Step one may be letters i’ll never send, and step two, needs to be letters that I need to send. What letters do you need to send?
Remember, It’s not what you say that kills a relationship, it’s what you don’t say.
The Man up award goes to Matt, for having the balls to stand in the fire and still do the right thing for the relationship with his woman!
No Excuses Forum acknowledges Greg with the Man Up Award for having the foresight to declare that yesterday is in the past and that he can only work with what is happening in the moment and moving his relationship into the future by focusing on his vision. Go Greg Go!
This weeks Monday Man Up award goes to Rob for stetting a date by which he will “leave home”. As scary a proposition as it seems he knows that he needs to step out and fly in the world. It is what he is going to do. July 1st or sooner is what it is.
The Man Up award goes to Christoff for having the balls to go after what he wants;.
If you haven’t seen it yet you’ve gotta check out this video. What an amazing discussion on the direction of society and the roles we play as men in the path we pave for our children. I was immediately confronted by what I am responsible for as a man in the world of tomorrow. I was stirred with emotion as the speakers seemed to be missing the point of what it really means to be a man and how we as men need to Man Up and take accountability for how we are perceived by both women and other men in the world today.
- Subanan
The Man Up Award tonight goes to David for having the balls to be in complete transparency with his brother-in-law and to invite him as a guest to the forum, as well as to be fully engaged in a process of discovery around letting go of his need for marijuana. Good on you man!
Participate in a unique and confidential survey for Men about Men…
Take The Possibility Of Man Survey → Read the full story
Tonight, the Man Up Award goes to Nelson for enrolling in a process of falling in love with himself. Good on you Nelson for shifting your state and sharing your knowing of love and appreciation of self with your boy. May you both share many moments of seeing yourselves in the mirror and bask in the joy of seeing nothing less than your own handsome King Kong.
This weeks Man Up Award goes to Labe for posting a reminder around his home that challenges him to ask himself each day “What kind of Man do I want to be today?”
GO Labe GO!
Given to Gavin this week for his courage in disconnecting himself from the digital tit. This guy, in an attempt to better himself took scissors to the television cord and snipped off the end (unplugged of course, we teach that here) then took himself to the library and picked up four books and ordered four more.
This man is on a mission.
What is your mission to better yourself?
Tonight I acknowledge John for setting the experiment last week to place himself 100% in his relationship. What did he discover? Ironically John experienced a huge shift from in his wife. She was more thoughtful and loving. The irony was that John never communicated to his wife what his experiment was for the week. Could the energy of Intention impact another in such a profound way?
If you want to have a great relationship, you have to take Divorce off the table. I am not saying that people should stay in a relationship full of misery. The truth is if you don’t close the exits then there is always a backdoor and that leaves you vulnerable in the relationship. How can you go deep into your truth if there is an option to bail on the relationship? I am interested in hearing from you about the impact of living the commitment within your marriage to go the distance. To actually ‘stay in the tension’ and find yourself on the other side of the conflict and have a deeper experience of the relationship. What two people can co-create is amazing when they live out of the commitment they actually made in marriage.
Talk to me.
This is an excerpt from The Relationship Revolution by Owen Williams
The MAN UP AWARD goes to David for choosing to do the right thing in a time when it would have been easy to regress into old habits and building trust within himself and with the other men in the group. (Wow David two weeks in a row! Good on you man)
Tonight’s Man Up award goes to Edd for having the courage to bring what remains unsettled in him to the forum and speak about it with transparency as he continues to walk through fear.
Dear All,
Just a reminder that the New No Excuses Men’s Forum will be starting this month, and has been moved from February 21st to Monday, February 28th at 4:00pm. Space is still available for registration. Call 416-694-5800 to reserve your spot.
The MAN UP AWARD goes to David for pushing through an old pattern and choosing to go through the pain instead of avoiding it, and taking responsibility for leading in his own life. ( Great work David)
The Man Up Award goes to Edd tonight for stepping through his fear. He wrote out what was true for him about his process last week, shared his truth in the group and gave himself the experience of being in the tension with the other men in the Forum. As a result of his truth, other men were gifted with insights about where they need to step up. Inspiring to say the least.
Sign Up today for the New Monday Men’s Forum @ 4.00 starting on Feb 21st.
Who do you know who could benefit from living his life with No Excuses?
This powerful process supports men to live with Accountability, Transparency and Vision.
This is our third weekly Forum being offered by The Work of Men on Carlton Street
Call 416 694-5800 to register today
Darren receives the Man Up Award tonight for inspiring us to lead a life of compassion and showing us what it really means to be there for another man.
Alan received the Man UP award for challenging the process and bringing a level of authenticity.
The next time your wife asks you to turn the lights off before sex you might want to consider how your beer belly is serving your relationship. Meet a man who turned his life around by re-sculpting his body and changing his relationship with himself by hiring a relationship coach, our very own Chris St.John. Paul needed someone to guide him on a journey of self discovery and love him and challenge him the whole way through. Listen to his inspiring story as he tells all on the Fan 590.
Paul Bigley and Chris St. John on Fan 590 speak about how to change your life by changing your relationship with yourself!
To Gavin for having the balls to have an honest conversation about the fears and judgements he was holding on to.
I am inspired by the content of this video as well as the notion of men sitting around and getting real with each other. Love to hear how this video impacts you as a man. -Owen
As often happens, I forgot my glasses when I recently went out for lunch with a friend. Not being able to read the menu is a drag and so I asked the server what they would eat if they were having lunch there and simply ordered that. As lunch was my treat when it came time to pay the bill, again not being able to see clearly is an impediment. I squinted and held the bill at the appropriate distance to figure out the appropriate percentage of tip, and we quickly left as I had a meeting to get to.
Later that day at my office, with my reading glasses firmly ensconced on my nose, I saw that the server hadn’t billed me for the two glasses of wine that we shared over lunch.
The next day, on my way through town, I stopped in to the restaurant to pay for the wine. The server who attended to my table wasn’t there so I told the bartender that I hadn’t been properly charged the day prior and stopped in to pay for the wine. Her response was “And you came back?”. Not, I might add, with a pleased look, rather one of complete shock.
In the same tone, she told the manager of my return and I overheard him till another server with the same level of disbelief. My surprise was to their surprise. I can’t help but think that if more of us ‘did the right thing’, then the world would transform before our eyes.
I’d love to hear from other men who have ‘stepped in’ in similar ways and share stories of possibility from this place.
Blessings,
Owen
I had a man come and visit me in my office and he brought with him his new puppy, Solo. Me, I’m a sucker for puppies and was happy to welcome them. Knowing puppies as I do, I checked in to see if Solo needed to go outside to the bathroom prior to our getting lost in the content of our meeting.
True to form, in the excitement that puppies have in their world, Solo promptly peed on the carpet. The man took action and wiped up the mess immediately and apologized.
Later that day he showed up at my office with a carpet cleaner and cleaned the carpet himself without fanfare. He just did it.
Now that’s integrity.
Owen
I decided some time ago that I would use my life as a testing ground and I would conduct a series of experiments.
And with each new experiment came results that I either liked or didn’t, looking at my life in this way gave me the freedom to use my life as a playground.
I’ve not been feeling well for quite a while and decided to involve a doctor who specializes in acupuncture and a herbalist. I’ve been getting great results and in our first meeting my new doctor told me that I was being treated for the wrong problem and that she could have me on the road to recovery within a couple of months. And we would need to work together for a minimum of a year for me to fully recover Nancy (my new doctor)has been true to her word, I am feeling better and better every day and stronger that I have felt in a long time.
On to my experiment – I have been a long time diet pop drinker and up until this point there hasn’t been anything or anyone to sway me to change my mind. When I first started not feeling well I was getting sty’s on my eye’s. And since I’m such a believer that the body never lies, my thought was that if something didn’t agree with my body my eyelids would let me know. My experiment was to stop drinking diet pop and monitor how I felt.
I stared noticing after a couple of day’s I felt lighter and had more energy.
Yesterday after feeling better for a week, my mind said you can have one now that your better. So I drank one and about an hour later wouldn’t you know my eyelids were tingling.
From a simple experiment of one week not drinking diet pop I learned what every doctor had been telling me all along. But now I got it, and not just intellectually I got it in my body and it became real to me.
I challenge you to do the same – cut something out for just one week. Whether it be diet pop, smoking, drinking beer, watching porn.
Please be of service to other men by sharing your experiment in the comments section – tell us what you learned about yourself. Of course, you can do it anonymously.
Chris
Infidelity is a hot button in relationship.
We have higher rates of infidelity in relationship than ever before and it wreaks havoc on trust levels between couples. Infidelity especially concerning today because we have greater permission to be sexual and to gain access both to information as well as sexual content via the Internet. Like so many issues that challenge couples, infidelity has the potential to bring couples together as it illuminates a weak spot in the relationship. Trouble is, it is hardly ever seen as an opportunity for growth.
By far the most common form of infidelity isn’t sexual, it’s financial. Yes, financial infidelity happens on such a regular basis that we have almost become numb to the experience. In a relationship, the wound of financial infidelity cuts really deep. It breeds distrust because it happens so often that it its best defense in relationship is to withdraw and hide financial information from each other. It eats at the core issue of security that is a basic human need. Some people will spend ‘because they can’ and don’t see the issue because they have the money, yet it is still experienced as a violation by the partner.
How many times do you go ahead and make a purchase without consulting with your spouse and it pisses them off? I know of a man who bought a car for his wife, who never wanted a car, and she was pissed off about it. The debt had to be carried by the family and the impact was felt for years. In essence, this type of action has the same essential wound as sexual infidelity. At its core it is about the lack of choice for the partner that is excluded from the decision.
My partner and I have learned the hard way. One of our rules of engagement today is that neither is us spend more than $200 without consulting with each other. We had to work through fears of control and surrender to a bigger vision of the quality of relationship that we really wanted.
Whether it’s that big ass television, a motorbike, or an expensive dinner out with the boys, it would do you good to get clean about the impact on your relationship and set up new rules of engagement.
Owen
After a fifteen year layoff from playing hockey I got the itch to lace’em up and decided to play again. And coming to the realization that I wasn’t as good as I use to be was quite humbling I must say. Nonetheless I wanted to play regardless of how good or bad I was. I also noticed being in the dressing room before my first game, there was a part I missed that I didn’t realize. It was the part of sitting around a room full of men, and hearing their the stories about what they are challenged by, and their victories and defeats. There is an unwritten rule almost a sacredness that whatever’s spoken in a dressing room stay’s in the room. And it brought back so many memories for me going all the way back to my early years of playing minor hockey. I really got to see how necessary it is for men to sit in circle with each other
It seemed so long ago since I put this armor on my body, as I sat I could remember playing 3-4 times a week and putting equipment on that was still wet with sweat from the game that I played last. I had such great memories of friends I made or Coaches who encouraged and inspired me to be the best that I could be.
At last I was on the ice playing in a game situation and having a blast, I wasn’t quite the skilled player I used to be nor did I have the speed or the hands that I once did, but I was having a great time. Smelling the inside of an arena and the sound of the puck being passed from one stick to another and the blast of a slap shot that rung around the boards.
It was all fun until a guy slashed me with his stick in the back that cut me and drew blood. My mood went from total euphoria to red anger, in my younger days I would have retaliated and probably threw a punch. But here I am almost 40 years old married with 3 children and my 9 year old son watching in the stands. It was different now, I was different now and I could feel it. Did I become a wuss?
What happened to me? I grew up is what happened to me…..I evolved. I became a Man, and reacting to every little thing that happened to me wasn’t an option anymore. I am a Father now and need to model for my kids how a Man behaves no matter what, with no excuses.
It felt a huge amount of freedom in coming to the realization that I had nothing to prove anymore to anyone.
I accepted myself and wouldn’t compromise my integrity as a man no matter what happened.
In my younger day’s I didn’t realize that I could choose my behaviour – I do now.
Not only did I finish the game that night without a fight, I finished the game with strength because it took strength for me to do the right thing. When I was younger I was tough but now as a man I am strong.
Chris
We all have ‘problems’ and we all look for and find solutions. Did you know that smoking is a solution to a problem? I’m serious, it is. All we do is find ‘solutions’ to the problems we experience. Trouble is, the ‘solutions’ most people find are the wrong solutions. Withdrawing is a solution. Hiding in work or the internet is a solution. Smoking is a solution, and then the ‘solution’ becomes a problem on its own. We find it difficult to solve the ‘problem’ because the real problem is buried under the solutions we have created that aren’t the solution that we really need. Until we get a handle on the problem that we need to solve, we are only ever in the distraction of the wrong solution.
Our real work is to find a solution that actually solves the ‘problem’ we are facing. That takes courage and a few other things, one of which is telling yourself the deeper truth of what is going on within. In my experience there is only ever a handful of problems – five or six – that we face as human beings in the west.
I invite you to look for the deeper problem that you are attempting to fix with a solution that isn’t working?
I would love to hear what your “solution” was and the deeper problem you identified. For example, the solution might be smoking, and the deeper problem was deep, ongoing fear about being successful enough. Just leave your initials, not your full name. Not only will this bring clarity to yourself, but could help other readers. I will also be using these comments in deciding what issues to address in future posts and webinars.
For those of you that missed the Webinar last night (Thursday, Feb 11, 2010), it’s posted below. It was an overwhelming success. Everyone stayed on the line for the entire time, and interest was high for the great questions asked at the end.
I really want to encourage you to check out the seminar www.relationshipexcellence.com/whosincharge as it really builds on the groundwork that I laid in this Webinar. It is for Men AND Women. More details are available by clicking on the link above. I offer a full guarantee on all of my seminars, so you won’t be disappointed.
I would also love for you to comment here on the Webinar and offer suggestions for what topics you would like me to cover and any questions you have.
The poll results from the Webinar are as follows:
- More webinars like this one are desired by everyone that responded
- the best time was 8:30 or 9:00pm
- the hot topics were, in order
Owen
Valentine’s….can be so painful.
If you’re single’ if you’re unhappy in your relationship, if you’re cheating and can’t be with the one you want to be instead of being with the one you are with. If you feel obligated to dish out lots of cash on overpriced flowers and a perfect dinner, then you have missed the point. Valentine’s isn’t the opportunity to make it up to the one you love…..yet for so many that is exactly what it is used for.
Truth is, Valentine’s is an illusion and a trap and getting out of the trap is easy.
Valentine’s is all made up out of the notion of romantic love. It is designed to keep the spark alive and it barely does the job. Are you ready to move into real love – yes, after the blossom of romantic love has past….there is real love. In this powerful stage of loving one another, the focus is on the relationship instead of each other or oneself. The true valentine is holding a sacred focus for the relationship that communicates ‘this relationship is valued’ and it is achieved through on-going courtship. As I have often said, ‘the pain of life is in the details, so is the pleasure’.
This Valentine’s, I invite you to be in service of the relationship.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Owen
Introducing…….. The Work of Men!
The Work of Men blog is a resource/forum for Men and Women to explore and engage in dialogue about what it means to be a man in the world today.
I don’t believe it’s even desirable for a man to call himself a man in today’s world. This has to change. The Work of Men is about less talk and more action.
So you may be working hard and still left feeling lost at the end of the day. Do you know how to make your relationship thrive? Do you know how to make your life what you want it to be?
Enough already with all the reasons and excuses of why and why not in a man’s life. Women are clearly reacting to Men’s behavior, specifically in the way that they are not stepping up in the world. We can complain all we want about women, and that doesn’t change a thing. Men need to take responsibility for their impact in the world and then decide what impact they really want to have.
The time for men to step up is now.
This site is about answers and getting to the hard truth. We will be direct with you, no fluffing of pillows and a nice tasty mint here. We are here to get you into action. We will be truthful with you about our own journey and model the ideas and ways of being that bring lasting results.
If there is something on this site that pisses you off, then that is the first indication that you need to get involved. This isn’t about being comfortable. Comfortable is safe and deadening. Get enlivened. Get into action. It’s your life.
Ready to become a true Modern Man – a man that participates fully in his life. A man that lives his life truly as an experiment. A man that accepts feedback and works with it, instead of simply reacting to it. A man of purpose and a man of love
Owen Williams
P.S. PLEASE comment on my postings and give me as much feedback as you can. This is a blog dedicated to growth for everyone, and only with interaction can this become a reality. Please also include any suggestions for topics you would like me to address and thus start a dialogue on.
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